Teacher: I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times?
Pupil: Looks like my counting isn't too good either
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
Geometry!
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left?
I don't know.
Why not?
In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!
INCONSISTENCY THEOREM
LITTLE BOY: "My math teacher is crazy". MOTHER: "Why?"
LB: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2."
What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
QUESTION: What's " 2 + 2 "?ANSWER: A Math Problem
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!
Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3...
Trigonometry for farmers: swine and coswine...
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...
Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'
Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more!"
Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!"
Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..."
"What is Pi?"
A mathematician: "Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter."
A computer programmer: "Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision."
A physicist: "Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005."
An engineer: "Pi is about 22/7."
A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"
Q: What is the fundamental principle of engineering mathematics?
A: Every function has a Taylor series which converges to the function and breaks off after the linear term.
"My life is all arithmetic", the young businesswoman explains. "I try to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying..."
Q: What is a topologist?
A: A person who cannot tell a doughnut from a coffee mug.
Q: What is the area of a circle?
A: pi R^2?
R: Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
TEACHER:how do YOU spell cat?
TOM:k-a-t
TEACHER:the dictionary spells it c-a-t
TOMut you asked how I spelled it!
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
